Sometimes I have inspiration to write, sometimes I don’t. And that’s okay. But there’s some big inspirations coming next week so it’s time to get back to the keyboard.
I am a perfectionist. I have a head full of ideas, a heart full of ambition, but a fear of failure and a lack of consistency that is really limiting sometimes.
I love to write. But I get so busy that my mind is full and I can’t hear the voice that comes from the place inside of me where the source of my inspiration lives. I go through periods where I actively write on my blog and I have engagement from readers, and I have articles published in mainstream media. Then I disappear, not writing a word for months.
I love to play sport. But I get bored easily so I go through phases of different sporting obsessions – rowing, yoga, tennis, triathlons – then I drop it and move on to the next. And my weight fluctuates by 10kg depending on where in that cycle I am.
I love my job as a consultant. I have a team of fresh faced clever people and together we travel to lots of different locations and solve complex problems for our clients. But I give myself to it so much that every now and then I burn out and need to shut down for a short period. I’m blessed to have an employer that understands that.
I am also a dedicated daughter, sister and auntie to two beautiful little girls. I have an apartment to keep in a reasonable state of cleanliness, and a garden to attend to. I’m a mumma to an 8 year old golden retriever who is a loving old soul that needs lots of affection.
Every day ideas tug at my shirt and insist that I put them on paper or into action immediately. But a huge percentage of the time I can’t put those ideas into action because Ella needs a walk, or because it’s Sunday and that is the day I spend with my family, or because I’m on a work trip to Canberra and have a presentation to give.
I suppose that could drive me crazy, and it did used to drive me crazy. I used to be paralysed by having too much to do, a lot of ideas, lots of external demands, and not enough focus to start and complete things. But that has changed over time.
Now I have faith in divine timing. I find I have ideas and inspiration, and they come to fruition when the conditions are right and not a moment before, and trying to force things burns up energy uselessly.
Now I have more presence in the moment. Meditation and yoga has taught me how to keep my head where my hands are. Even though I might have a million things to do tomorrow and next week, I don’t waste energy on anxiety for those future things and let them steal energy from the present. I keep my energy on what I am doing now and trust that if I give my attention fully to what I am doing now, I will have the energy for the things looming in the future when they come out of the future into the now.
And I just accept that sometimes things don’t work and don’t happen according to my plan. Sometimes that ship is not meant to stop at my dock. Sometimes it is meant to stop at my dock but it is moored offshore for a while so I can learn what I need to learn in order to be prepared and ready.
And thank god for that. Because I want my life to be big. Not big in a climb-the-corporate-ladder-drive-a-porsche kind of way, in an experiential kind of way. I want to write, and travel to far flung places, to love, hold my family close, have a light and bright home, and support the causes that are close to my heart. And I can’t manage to juggle all those great big balls through my controlling, scheduling, demanding. I can only manage those balls by having vision, having faith and trusting in myself to show up when I’m called. And when I miss because my hands are too full, I can trust that the ship will stay anchored until I’m ready, or another ship will come along when the time is right. Life is just like that.
The ship is definitely in at the dock next week, and it’s taking me to Thailand. Literally. I’m off to Bangkok with my Melbourne University research colleague to do interviews for our project that is looking at human rights issues and labour abuses in the seafood supply chain. I’m combining all the things I love the most, writing, problem solving, doing work that has real impact, hanging out with people who inspire me and expand my thinking, and the tropics! How lucky am I?
So I’ll be re-engaging again through my blog and social media, I hope you guys will still read the content even though I’m an unreliable source of material sometimes... I’ll be talking to Greenpeace, and the UN, and talking to some Non-Government Organisations (NGOs) who support workers who have been victims of trafficking and slavery.
The stories will be powerful and I’m so looking forward to sharing the powerful stories I find.